Joke(s) of the day and week

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dy and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."


Submitted by Brian Docherty. 6th March 2007

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 4th March 2007

An man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.

"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"

"I know," says the man, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day!"


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 3rd March 2007

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees. Well I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 3rd March 2007

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the man.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said,

"Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 3rd March 2007

A few weeks ago was my 46th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and they didn't even say a word.

When I set off to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 3rd March 2007

A man walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He goes to the bar and orders himself a pint of beer. The bartender gets him the drink and asks what is in the paper bag. To which the man opens the bag and lifts out a 12 inch man and a tiny baby grand piano.

The bartender asks what else is in the bag so the man brings out a lamp and tells the bartender to rub it.

As the bartender is rubbing it, a genie appears telling him he has one wish and one wish only. The bartender wishes for a million bucks. The genie tells him his wish will be granted and then disappears

About 2 minutes later a duck strolls into the bar followed by another and then another and eventualy millions of them. The bartender say to the man, "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I said a million bucks not a million ducks." The man at the bar says to the bartender,

"Yes I know, you don't think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you."


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 2nd March 2007

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 2nd March 2007

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 2nd March 2007

His and Her comments

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SHOW THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 2nd March 2007