Fitness Jokes

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 20007

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get really annoyed so she goes to her mum and says, "Mum... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been sleeping around with every women in town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a DVD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".

He looks around with his flashlight wondering "What Was That?". He spots some money left on a table so he takes that.

Once again he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks the bird "Was that your voice?". It says "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says "What kind of person names his bird moses?"

The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILLER "JESUS".


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

During their silver wedding anniversary, a wife reminds her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied: "Yes, darling, that was the happiest hour of my life."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 1st March 2007

A man sticks his head in the barbers shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The man leaves. A few days later, the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The man leaves.

A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The man leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that man and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 1st March 2007

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every single man here. I will give one million pounds or my daughter's hand in marriage to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The man in the pool was swimming with all his might so the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter's hand in marriage or the one million pounds?" The man catches his breath, then says,

"Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the idiot who pushed me in the pool!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her priest she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the priest.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 1st March 2007