Joke(s) of the day and week

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men .... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!


Submitted by Margaret Bennie. 18th June 2006

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!

"Ah.! . so solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"


Submitted by Sue Cooke. 15th June 2006

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?


Submitted by Sue Cooke. 14th June 2006

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN - OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL AGES WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will only accept a maximum of eight participants.

The course covers two days, and topics include: -

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET AND FLOOR
Practical session

DISHES & CUTLERY: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY THEMSELVES TO KITCHEN SINK/DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming: Open Forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY POSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER & YOUR PARTNER
Outline class and role-playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation techniques, meditation and breathing exercises

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your diary or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO COPE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselling sessions


Submitted by Phil Eltringham. 2nd May 2006

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! Now go out and find another joke better than this and send it to our submissions section


Submitted by Sue Cooke. 2nd May 2006

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen. "


Submitted by Sue Cooke. 2nd May 2006

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Wow", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 26th April 2006

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 26th April 2006

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say 'move', it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The staircase was not designed by Michael Schummaker and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go and smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you.

The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper!

Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids - They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

It is two o'clock in the morning and husband and wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, someone was talking on the other end of the line. The husband says "How the hell do I know, what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies,

"I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I've just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"Whatever. Just so you're out of the bloody house by noon!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

A man and a woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy.

They got married and went to Jamaica to a nudist beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to the beach bar and noticed the waiter also has a 'Wy' on his penis.

He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said

"no sorry I don't mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day'!!!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they meet two stunning women and end up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 24th April 2006

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 22nd April 2006

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 20th April 2006

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I then ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 18th April 2006