A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 24th March 2006

A man walks into a chemist with his 8 year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The dad matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March etc. etc. etc."


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 24th March 2006

'One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers "what it means to be British?" Here is one from a chap in Switzerland.....

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV, and the most British thing of all is suspicion of anything foreign!

Oh and only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make ill people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the opens to the counters.

Only in Britain.. do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain.. do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain.. are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.''


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 24th March 2006

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the cheque, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 24th March 2006

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up.

Bear says: "When I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest shivers with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

Chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet s***ts itself."


Submitted by D. Crippin. 24th March 2006

A man is working on the buses collecting tickets in USA. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and as it is Texas he is sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he sits in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The man is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The man eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

The man, again, gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the man, "I'm just a really bad conductor"


Submitted by D. Crippin. 24th March 2006

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks

Daddy bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge? he roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots.

It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house. It was mummy bear who made the coffee. It was mummy bear who emptied the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was mummy bear who set the damn table. It was mummy bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter box, put out their food and refilled their water bowl. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully because I am going to say this only once..........

I haven't made the f*****g porridge yet!!!!


Submitted by Sue Cook. 24th March 2006

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f*****g toffee apple.


Submitted by John Tendell. 24th March 2006

Tommy was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, “Tommy what are you doing?” Tommy replied, “Teacher, my mummy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.” So the teacher sent Tommy to the nurses office to call his mum and ask what he should do.

When Tommy came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Tommy, what are you doing!?” Tommy answered, “Mummy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.”


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 24th March 2006

You know you're getting old as a man when:-

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of petrol.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People telephone you at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your trousers.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You get satellite TV for the weather and news channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


Submitted by Anonymous. 23rd March 2006

A little old lady went into the a Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the managers's office.

The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and emptied the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The bank manager was of course very curious as to how she came to have all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The bank manager then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £10,000 that your balls are square." The bank manager laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The bank manager agrees, "Sure, I'll bet £10,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my solicitor with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident bank manager.

That night, the bank manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her solicitor at the bank manager's office. She introduced the solicitor to him and repeated the bet to the bank manager "I bet you £10,000 that your balls are square!" The bank manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his trousers so they could all see. The bank manager did so. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the bank manager, "£10,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the solicitor was quietly banging his head against the wall. The bank manager asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your solicitor?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £50,000 that at 10am today I'd have your balls in my hand."


Submitted by Anonymous. 23rd March 2006

Two men and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first one asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?" "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 22nd March 2006

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him.

After a few hours of trying to teach the bird with no success the man finally said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."

The parrot continued swearing, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what did the turkey do?"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 21st March 2006

A tramp comes up to the front door of a nice looking farmhouse and knocks gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the tramp asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the tramp goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The tramp says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you've got outside. It's a BMW."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 21st March 2006

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is an old stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He walks eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 20th March 2006

Marriage quotes by husbands and wives....................

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"


Submitted by Various People. 18th March 2006

"Welcome to the Grand National, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 16th March 2006

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leant back and said, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"


Submitted by D. Crippin. 5th March 2006

On Christmas morning a policeman on horseback is sitting at a traffic light. Next to him there is a child on his shiny new bike.

The policeman said, "nice bike you got there, did Santa bring that for you?"

The child replied, "Yeah."

Whilst writing the child a £20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket the policeman says, "well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The child takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "by the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that for you?"

Humoring the child, the policeman says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The child continued, "well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 5th March 2006

Mick and Pat go for a walk by the side of the river. They stop by a bridge to take in the scenery. They notice a man leaning over the side of the bridge with his hand in the water. They can see that he is moving his fingers to and fro. They wonder what the man is doing and watch him intently. After a few minutes the man jerks his hand from the water and a large rainbow trout lands on the bank of the river.

Mick winks at Pat and says, "the next bridge we come to Pat, we will have a go at that." They walk off by the side of the river.

A few miles along, Mick and Pat find another bridge."Go ahead," says Mick, "you hold my feet and lower me over the side Pat."

After a few minutes Mick shouts. "Quick Pat, pull me up."

"Why have you got one," says Pat.

"No, theres a train coming."


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 5th March 2006

You know you're getting old as a man when:-

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of petrol.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People telephone you at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your trousers.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You get satellite TV for the weather and news channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 4th March 2006

Mick and Pat go for a job interview at a building site. Mick goes into the office first to see the boss.

"Well Mick," the boss says, "there's a couple of questions I'd like you to answer to see whether I should offer you a job."

"Go ahead," says Mick.

"Mick," the boss says, "If you only had one eye, what would you be?"

"Half blind," replied Mick,

"and if you had no eyes, what would you be?"

"Completely blind," replied Mick.

"Well done Mick, you've got the job, start on Monday.

Mick stepped out into the corridor as pleased as punch. As he walked along, he saw Pat walking towards him, as they passed in the corridor Mick leant over and whispered to Pat. "The answers are dead simple Pat. It's half blind and completely blind."

"OK," said Pat, "thanks a million Mick," and walked into the bosses office.

"Well Pat," the boss says, "there's a couple of questions I'd like you to answer to see whether I should offer you a job."

"Go ahead," says Pat.

"Pat," the boss says, "If you only had one ear, what would you be?"

"Half blind," replied Pat.

The boss looked confused but carried on regardless, "and if you had no ears Pat, what would you be?"

"Completely blind," replied Pat.

The boss shook his head and said,"how do you work that out Pat?"

"Because my cap would fall over my eyes," said Pat.


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 3rd March 2006

A very worried gentleman telephoned the local zoo and asked to speak to the zoo keeper urgently. "Can you come round to my house immediately" he exclaimed, "there's a gorilla in the tree in my back garden."

The man peered out of his front window to see the zoo keeper arrive at his house. He watched the zoo keeper unload a doberman dog, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun from the van. They both went into the gentleman's back garden and the zoo keeper was amazed at what he saw. There was a gorilla sat in the tree!

"You see this dog" the zoo keeper said, "we have been training it for two years. This dog will instantly attack anything that falls out of a tree. It will grab it by the nuts and squeeze so tightly that it will be rendered unconscious." The dog panted uncontrollably as it stared at the gorilla in the tree.

The man asked the zoo keeper what the plan of action was?

"I am going to climb up into the tree and shake it so hard that the gorilla falls out." As he said this he handed the man the handcuffs and the shotgun.

"What are these for?" the man asked.

"When the gorilla falls out of the tree, let the dog do its job and as soon as the gorilla is unconscious, you handcuff it immediately."

"OK said the man" as the zoo keeper started to climb the tree "but what is the shotgun for?"

"If I slip and fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot that bloody dog!"

Submitted by Paul Alldred. 2nd March 2006

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels Sooooooooo good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that, she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Submitted by John Tendell. 1st March 2006