One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Wow", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 26th April 2006

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 26th April 2006

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say 'move', it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The staircase was not designed by Michael Schummaker and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go and smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you.

The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper!

Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids - They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

It is two o'clock in the morning and husband and wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, someone was talking on the other end of the line. The husband says "How the hell do I know, what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies,

"I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I've just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"Whatever. Just so you're out of the bloody house by noon!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

A man and a woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy.

They got married and went to Jamaica to a nudist beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to the beach bar and noticed the waiter also has a 'Wy' on his penis.

He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said

"no sorry I don't mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day'!!!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 25th April 2006

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they meet two stunning women and end up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 24th April 2006

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 22nd April 2006

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 20th April 2006

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I then ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 18th April 2006

Submitted by Sue Cook. 16th April 2006

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started peeing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his f*****g ass."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 14th April 2006

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 14th April 2006

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.

Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it and got on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. One of the girls said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he had finished the three girls asked,"How can we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,

"Could you hold my camel?"


Submitted by Gwyn Alldred. 14th April 2006

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit. "How many children?" asks the civil servant "10" replies the girl. "10???" says the civil servant..

"What are their names?" "Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant. "'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?" Girl: "Morag." Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?" Morag: "Yes." Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Morag: "Springburn."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners o' them!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Gelsga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Danielle: "Ok." Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?" Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 11th April 2006

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,etc. When the pond was built it was properly shaped and fixed up nicely for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he drew closer, he could see a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made his presence be known to the women, and in doing so he watched as they all went shuffling to the deepest end of the pond.

One of the women shouted out to him, '' We're not coming out until you leave!'' To which the old man replied, ''Miss, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim in the nude nor did I come here to make each one of you get out of the pond naked. I merely came down to feed the alligator,''

The Moral of the story. Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill, always has, Always will.


Submitted by Roy Dransfield. 11th April 2006

Submitted by Sue Cook. 10th April 2006

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...... .................If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.


Submitted by Ronald Gray. 8th April 2006

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.


Submitted by Alan Banks. 5th April 2006

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"


Submitted by Alan Banks. 4th April 2006

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!

"He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 4th April 2006

Every day a male co-worker walks up and stands very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any more, takes her complaint to the supervisor of the personnel department and says she wants to write out a sexual harassment complaint against him. The Human Recourses supervisor is puzzled by this and asks "What is sexually threatening about telling you that your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies "It's Ben, the midget!"


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 4th April 2006

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls, they are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected, they find themselves desperate for a wee.

As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.

The first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose them, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her and uses the ribbon. Their task completed they continue staggering home.

Next morning the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night!" "You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home with a card stuck in her knickers that said 'We'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station'!"


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 4th April 2006

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 4th April 2006

How to shower like a woman

1.Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
2. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
6. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
7. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
9. Shave armpits and legs.
10. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
11. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
12. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
3. Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
6. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
7. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.
8. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.
9. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
10. Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.
11. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.
12. Throw wet towel on bed.


Submitted by Marion Martinson. 4th April 2006

It was the milkman's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering milk through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, led him into the house and then up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs where she made him a giant breakfast: eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, fried bread, fried tomatoes, toast and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Submitted by Paul Allred. 4th April 2006

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the man to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the man's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the man, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the man, "How are things going at work?" The man responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The man responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great man."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the man, "How's your home life?" The man says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the man's stress. man says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The man replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."


Submitted by Paul Allred. 3rd April 2006

Comments by Newsreaders/Sports commentators

Michael Burke watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astonomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:-
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts"

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open:-
Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself"

Mike hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:-
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets"

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:-
Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now"

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:-
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night"

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:-"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees"

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:-
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg"

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:-
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green"

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:-
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off"

Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:-"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:-
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:-
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69"

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away....
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection"

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:-
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions"

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:-
"There's something big growing between my legs"

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:-
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it"


Submitted by Paul Alldred. 2nd April 2006

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".


Submitted by D. Crippin. 1st April 2006